11 july

this is so ridiculous, i don't even know why i'm back here again. (it's currently 3am)

i hope nobody still reads this thing because i'm about to make this real deep and personal from now on (i wanted to start anew but then i realize i have to make a new email and all the annoying details shit so, no) and it's so stupid coz i was thinking how i was writing on my diary, and then i started updating on my iphone notes, and now i'm on blogger again. it's like i have this never-ending urge to write my problems and feelings everywhere. and i probably won't even continue updating after a few more weeks cuz that's just how i am *inserts girl with right hand out emoji*

anyway!!!!!! a little while ago i was on blogger trying to make a new blog but i was logged into my previous (deleted) blog. but all the information and all the people i followed were still there. so i scrolled right down to Pam's blog and her posts were STILL there from 5 YEARS AGO. (this was an hour ago, i spent one solid hour laughing at her posts) HAHAHAHA OMG I CANT BELIEVE HOW WE'VE GROWN UP!!!!!!!! i literally can't stop reading omggg. and Pam was SUCH AN ACTIVE BLOGGER like i dont even remember reading some of her posts before??? hahahahaha oh pam. and there was this one post of the three of us, corr pam and i, and WE ALL LOOKED SO DIFF especially corr. hahhahahahahahaha omg tonight has been such a gr8 nite spent all by myself reminiscing the past.

i hate my 13-14 y/o self. but im sure and  i bet we all hate our 14 y/0 self? unless you're a perfectionist who's extremely cautious of  things and the future so you act like you know you won't hate yourself when you're 18 and you make no mistakes that your 18 y/o self won't disapprove. did that make any sense? it sounded reasonable in my head. just saying tho. anyway where was i going with this.......

i have been spending 6 full months not studying.
1) my parents think i'm *not* really to leave yet
2) 70k just for foundation is making my parents doubt zoology is really what i wanna do
3) parents think i should spend a longer time in kk becoz i'm still their little girl
4) im always wrong

sorry but i didn't mean to trash talk about my parents i love them. it's just that... sighs. i hate the thought that i'm wasting my 1 year away by simply.. wasting it away. and i feel like I AM. i haven't found a job, amazing how i survived and managed to dodged every constant nag from my mum. not that i didnt try, I DID. it's either i'm a little bit too late, or i'm not at the right place. in conclusion, i havent started working or earning my own $ yet for these past 6 months.

and y'know what? it honestly doesn't even feel like 6 months. around mid-jan when my parents told me i'm not allowed to go 2 tassie this year, i cried my eyes out cause i was so sure i'd be leaving and cause i didnt want to waste one whole year here, rusting my brain gears. but i did, and i survived, i guess.. in between these few months, i've learned to be a better person, i was heartbrokened at one point, i was disappointed so many times, i felt like the whole world was against me. (cliche) and i really hated everyone because i felt like no one was trying to help me. ugh i guess you could say i was a bitter salty person back in jan.

but now i guess i can say i feel much better, i feel LOADS better actually. and that sometimes, when (another cliche) life gives you lemon, you just gotta squeeze them into other people's eyes because they should also share your pain. well not really, but yeah you get what i mean. hahahahaha sorry i dont know.

oh yeah i wanted to update about my process with the LOA. idk it's just a little self-practice that i'm doing that i learned from The Secret. i decided to try this again cause i know  it works. and i plan to update my progress daily (or not) here. some of my friends are sceptical when i tell them about this, even my mum. so like, i dont bother explaining the whole thing to them. just plz, read The Secret.

So around jan when i was really depressed, i tried using the loa and i tried to manifest good things to happen into my life. (this was before officially knowing i cant leave to further my studies) i visualized UTAS and anything related to it. i practised this almost everyday, i was trying my best not to let my hopes down. i wanted to believe the loa works, and i wanted it to work in a really short period. and when it DIDN'T happen, i was crushed, i was disappointed, i feel all kinds of depressions there ever is. i know it's stupid to feel like this just because of something so silly you might think, but this is kind of a big deal for me and i was really excited for it. So when the Loa didn't worked, i stopped trying and applying it completely.

It wasn't until the end of june when i realized; ONE of  my wishes actually DID came true. UNEXPECTEDLY. i tried all kinds, i made a vision board, i made a life map, i wrote down my visualizations of utas, and wrote the characteristics i want in my significant other. yknow, like an experiment. like a "why not?" kind of situation. but after the huge let-down i realized all those were just hoo-hahs and i was too upset to continue manifesting.

so the deal with this "manifesting" and "writing down" things is to be as SPECIFIC as possible. like, say you want your significant other to be taller than you, a dog-person, etc. you gotta be real specific. and so i tried my best to be real specific but i totally missed out on something important. cause i wasn't really serious when i wrote it, i wasn't exactly thinking of manifesting a significant other at that very moment. so like, 5 months later, (recently) i met this really nice guy and he was into me just as i sort of was into him. maybe idk hahaha the feelings are mutual tho hehe. and then i realized, and then it hit me hard, and then it dawned to me, (and more similar phrases) THAT I ACCIDENTALLY ACTUALLY MANIFESTED THE PERSON I WANTED 5 MONTHS AGO.
i dug up the paper i wrote and he had MOST of the characteristics i wanted and hoped for, in fact, most of it was in. except for that one lil thing............. i forgot to mention the age.
so..... yea.........

*crickets*

kidding. i mean, no biggie. he's great. and this is actually one of the reasons why i finally realized how the loa may and somehow actually works. it may not have attracted my wishes to study in utas this year, (i only started manifesting like, 2 weeks before i found out i cant go) i mean i'm just saying. maybe some things needs time. and the universe definitely will not let you down if you believe it won't let you down.

and i also learned to be more grateful recently. i feel like i finally opened my eyes for reals or something. and i began seeing how some people actually walk with a huge black cloud on top of their head. aka their negativity and pessimism aura is so strong, you can totally feel it. and to actually think that i was once like that.....

i'm actually really happy right now. i'm really grateful that i'm not a bitter person anymore. i might whine and complain sometimes, but not so much anymore (i hope) Honestly, i;'ve never felt so great b4. i wish more people could see how lucky and blessed they really are, to simply be alive, to have a life, to have eyes and the 5 senses, the ability to walk and learn. these are blessings in disguise. i couldn't see them as a gift before this, but now i see everything differently, i can see the good in the bad. I'm not about to go around saying things like, God has given us enough, and yet we never realize it because we oversee them by wanting more.
But oops, i just did.