Sunday, July 27, 2014
.
Idk man 😢 i feel like there's so many disappointments and downside to everything i'm doing lately. What exactly did i do to piss karma or anyone off????????
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
0131
I feel so much better after I went to the prayer meeting. Ahah i wasn't even that sure why i went. I guess i just wanted to feel better, and i knew i would after i went. And It made me feel like the emptiness and the void inside of me became much smaller. Yep. it's still there. somehow, somewhere. but it had tremendously healed.
And i guess, yeah. I like being around people with so much faith and positivity. It made me realize how there are bigger things out there which are more important than my own. And i like seeing in this new perspective.
i asked gan about the thing that was stuck in my head and he said i should keep praying and stuff. I mean it's so unreal, really. I never thought this day would actually come where id finally ask someone for advice about it??? Idek how to feel about this. I'm so scared lol. Scared and lil sad.
Sigh. Yeah. Im still learning, and i hope to be better, whether in terms of my attitude, personality, or the way i am. I am grateful for all that i have and i couldn't have asked for more.
Monday, July 21, 2014
0215
Im not sure. Maybe it's because of my period or something. But i've been avoiding so many people lately (not that i even meet many since im home most of the time) but the ones that i get to see all the time, i just had to avoid. Because of countless unexplainable reasons.
And it might've been because i can't stand them. This particular person who did nothing wrong :/ but i was avoiding her coz i felt like it was... rather necessary :/ but idk maybe it's just pms, mood swings, ego...? Idk i just really really wish she'd stop being someone else just to "fit in". I hate people who are like that. When they act like someone else around people they want to impress. And recently that's literally ALL I'VE BEEN SEEING HER BECOMING. Someone else. So i felt the obligation to avoid this act.
This is just a normal heart felt post that i feel i should update. And yes, i will also from today onwards, not find anthony anymore. It was careless of me. Sigh.
And it might've been because i can't stand them. This particular person who did nothing wrong :/ but i was avoiding her coz i felt like it was... rather necessary :/ but idk maybe it's just pms, mood swings, ego...? Idk i just really really wish she'd stop being someone else just to "fit in". I hate people who are like that. When they act like someone else around people they want to impress. And recently that's literally ALL I'VE BEEN SEEING HER BECOMING. Someone else. So i felt the obligation to avoid this act.
This is just a normal heart felt post that i feel i should update. And yes, i will also from today onwards, not find anthony anymore. It was careless of me. Sigh.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
0125
that awkward moment when someone younger than you is way, WAY more mature than you are.
this keeps me up at night. to think that someone younger than me is a better person than i was (when i was at that age, which was 2 years ago) and to feel something for someone who's younger than me, i did not see this coming??????
but for someone with such a big heart. i know this is weird. yeah no, he's not the you-make-my-knees-go-weak kinda guy. but he has the biggest heart which imo i equivalent to it. and in fact; even better!!!(??) i mean, what's good about a guy who makes your knees go weak but with a lousy good for nothing overly cocky attitude.
.. *suddenly realizes something*
sorry.
??
this keeps me up at night. to think that someone younger than me is a better person than i was (when i was at that age, which was 2 years ago) and to feel something for someone who's younger than me, i did not see this coming??????
but for someone with such a big heart. i know this is weird. yeah no, he's not the you-make-my-knees-go-weak kinda guy. but he has the biggest heart which imo i equivalent to it. and in fact; even better!!!(??) i mean, what's good about a guy who makes your knees go weak but with a lousy good for nothing overly cocky attitude.
.. *suddenly realizes something*
sorry.
??
July 14,11:49pm
cant believe 6 months passed :o still cant believe. not gonna lieeeeee but im actually hoping time would pass slower plz. im scared of what's in store for me :/
anyway i feel like i've been getting a few signs about things. and i feel like these are the answers i've been looking for. like scattered puzzle pieces and i'm finding them piece by piece. and i feel like these the hidden messages are from God, and i need to uncover them?? am i.. no. but really tho. i dont know.
ugh i actually dont really know what to talk about. i wanna talk about some real private things but im kinda worried that ppl will find this blog ((ppl i know)) and so im not sure what 2 talk about.
ok fine.
so anthony is backkk. and it sort of bothers me, and embarrasses me that i was so dumbbbb last year. and maybe a lil.. early this year. and that was all 5 months ago!! time flies by soooo fast. and now i just seriously wished i knew; earlier, then maybe i wont feel so dumb right now. i'm still leariung yesss and of course everything is an experience and a lesson for me. i know that. so yes, i'm glad i don't feel it anymore. i'm glad i don't feel pain, anxiety, butterflies, nervousness, etcetera. it's all over and behind me. it didnt really take me long to get over it (surprisingly) but honestly, i feel extremely, and mentally tired from ALL of this. from all of these kinds of things. having crushes and the fear to do this and that and all that shit. it can either be the best thing ever or the worst thing ever. but now that he's back, i'm glad i get to be myself around him and everything is ok because he understands and I, understand. and i will not be afraid anymore, everything is in the past now. but maybe my friends would think otherwise.. because honestly??? i dont even know how to say this but they're not exactly really good at "pretending" as if it didn't happen. i mean i'm not EXPECTING them to talk about it, but pls. it's just so obvious and i can't help but feel unhappy about it. i'm not gonna get all bitter and stuff, i honestly thought they knew me better???????? sobs.
anywayyyyyyyyy. this week will be a productive week. and i see good news coming. thank you in advance.
anyway i feel like i've been getting a few signs about things. and i feel like these are the answers i've been looking for. like scattered puzzle pieces and i'm finding them piece by piece. and i feel like these the hidden messages are from God, and i need to uncover them?? am i.. no. but really tho. i dont know.
ugh i actually dont really know what to talk about. i wanna talk about some real private things but im kinda worried that ppl will find this blog ((ppl i know)) and so im not sure what 2 talk about.
ok fine.
so anthony is backkk. and it sort of bothers me, and embarrasses me that i was so dumbbbb last year. and maybe a lil.. early this year. and that was all 5 months ago!! time flies by soooo fast. and now i just seriously wished i knew; earlier, then maybe i wont feel so dumb right now. i'm still leariung yesss and of course everything is an experience and a lesson for me. i know that. so yes, i'm glad i don't feel it anymore. i'm glad i don't feel pain, anxiety, butterflies, nervousness, etcetera. it's all over and behind me. it didnt really take me long to get over it (surprisingly) but honestly, i feel extremely, and mentally tired from ALL of this. from all of these kinds of things. having crushes and the fear to do this and that and all that shit. it can either be the best thing ever or the worst thing ever. but now that he's back, i'm glad i get to be myself around him and everything is ok because he understands and I, understand. and i will not be afraid anymore, everything is in the past now. but maybe my friends would think otherwise.. because honestly??? i dont even know how to say this but they're not exactly really good at "pretending" as if it didn't happen. i mean i'm not EXPECTING them to talk about it, but pls. it's just so obvious and i can't help but feel unhappy about it. i'm not gonna get all bitter and stuff, i honestly thought they knew me better???????? sobs.
anywayyyyyyyyy. this week will be a productive week. and i see good news coming. thank you in advance.
Friday, July 11, 2014
still july 11 (10:20pm)
y'know what i think is great?? a group of people who normally don't hangout together, (or wants to, for that matter) gathers up to plan a birthday party for a mutual friend. as much as i feel extremely alienated cuz i'm not even schooling with them, i mean, i'm not even close to these people anymore, and let alone, hangout with them? :( but it's all for this special someone. and every once in a while we should, i should stop letting my inner self conscience tell me to stay home and don't get involved cuz you'll be the only outsider. i should just, yknow DO IT OMG NO COMPLAINS PLZ.
i'm not at introvert, at least.. i dont think i used to be. but now i feel like im slowly becoming one ;( hashtag: weak.
confessions of an introvert/wallflower
i'm not at introvert, at least.. i dont think i used to be. but now i feel like im slowly becoming one ;( hashtag: weak.
confessions of an introvert/wallflower
4:30am
Still on it. i havent blogged for so long that i actually feel like it's fun??????? especially now that i feel like i can fully open up.
Jonathan said that we shouldn’t be too as in TOO obsessive with our dream job, or career. Because if that happens, it only means that we’re putting the importance of it before God... and i feel like that’s exactly what i’ve been doing. Putting that thing first before God. Thinking about it way too much. Worrying and worrying about it, when clearly it’s all up to God, not me to decide. I feel like Jonathan literally just told me the answer without even knowing the question that i had in mind (does that make sense?) anyway, yea
Like he was just randomly saying it but it actually meant a lot to me.
Like he was just randomly saying it but it actually meant a lot to me.
And yea today we went jogging it was fun, um not really for me in the process bcoz i’m so unfit~
And i got to know him MORE. Cuz he kept talking. Like he literally kept talking. I don’t mind tho, i’m more of a listener anyways. So he kept saying how he did this and that in school and i learned that he’s a teacher’s pet and a smartass and a good samaritan (that; i alr know tho) hes like, in charge of this christian fellowship thingy in his school like wat even. He has to wake up real early for it. And it’s not even an official thing!!!! He’s just doing it with his friends and it became a thing. Like omg he’s too.. saint-y like omg. And with all these things and drum classes, prayer meeting and homeworks (he said there’s plenty), he still manages to get #4 in class?????
I am officially embarrassed of my 16 year old self.
And i got to know him MORE. Cuz he kept talking. Like he literally kept talking. I don’t mind tho, i’m more of a listener anyways. So he kept saying how he did this and that in school and i learned that he’s a teacher’s pet and a smartass and a good samaritan (that; i alr know tho) hes like, in charge of this christian fellowship thingy in his school like wat even. He has to wake up real early for it. And it’s not even an official thing!!!! He’s just doing it with his friends and it became a thing. Like omg he’s too.. saint-y like omg. And with all these things and drum classes, prayer meeting and homeworks (he said there’s plenty), he still manages to get #4 in class?????
I am officially embarrassed of my 16 year old self.
Sigh.
And when i asked him how does he manage to juggle all these things he’s like; “i don’t know, i never knew how too. I ask God and i depend everything on Him, like, if you put God first then everything else will be okay.”
Like what even omg i have never met such a good samaritan in my life. He’s just TOO GOOD. Too kind-hearted. Etc. you get the picture.
11 july
this is so ridiculous, i don't even know why i'm back here again. (it's currently 3am)
i hope nobody still reads this thing because i'm about to make this real deep and personal from now on (i wanted to start anew but then i realize i have to make a new email and all the annoying details shit so, no) and it's so stupid coz i was thinking how i was writing on my diary, and then i started updating on my iphone notes, and now i'm on blogger again. it's like i have this never-ending urge to write my problems and feelings everywhere. and i probably won't even continue updating after a few more weeks cuz that's just how i am *inserts girl with right hand out emoji*
anyway!!!!!! a little while ago i was on blogger trying to make a new blog but i was logged into my previous (deleted) blog. but all the information and all the people i followed were still there. so i scrolled right down to Pam's blog and her posts were STILL there from 5 YEARS AGO. (this was an hour ago, i spent one solid hour laughing at her posts) HAHAHAHA OMG I CANT BELIEVE HOW WE'VE GROWN UP!!!!!!!! i literally can't stop reading omggg. and Pam was SUCH AN ACTIVE BLOGGER like i dont even remember reading some of her posts before??? hahahahaha oh pam. and there was this one post of the three of us, corr pam and i, and WE ALL LOOKED SO DIFF especially corr. hahhahahahahahaha omg tonight has been such a gr8 nite spent all by myself reminiscing the past.
i hate my 13-14 y/o self. but im sure and i bet we all hate our 14 y/0 self? unless you're a perfectionist who's extremely cautious of things and the future so you act like you know you won't hate yourself when you're 18 and you make no mistakes that your 18 y/o self won't disapprove. did that make any sense? it sounded reasonable in my head. just saying tho. anyway where was i going with this.......
i have been spending 6 full months not studying.
1) my parents think i'm *not* really to leave yet
2) 70k just for foundation is making my parents doubt zoology is really what i wanna do
3) parents think i should spend a longer time in kk becoz i'm still their little girl
4) im always wrong
sorry but i didn't mean to trash talk about my parents i love them. it's just that... sighs. i hate the thought that i'm wasting my 1 year away by simply.. wasting it away. and i feel like I AM. i haven't found a job, amazing how i survived and managed to dodged every constant nag from my mum. not that i didnt try, I DID. it's either i'm a little bit too late, or i'm not at the right place. in conclusion, i havent started working or earning my own $ yet for these past 6 months.
and y'know what? it honestly doesn't even feel like 6 months. around mid-jan when my parents told me i'm not allowed to go 2 tassie this year, i cried my eyes out cause i was so sure i'd be leaving and cause i didnt want to waste one whole year here, rusting my brain gears. but i did, and i survived, i guess.. in between these few months, i've learned to be a better person, i was heartbrokened at one point, i was disappointed so many times, i felt like the whole world was against me. (cliche) and i really hated everyone because i felt like no one was trying to help me. ugh i guess you could say i was a bitter salty person back in jan.
but now i guess i can say i feel much better, i feel LOADS better actually. and that sometimes, when (another cliche) life gives you lemon, you just gotta squeeze them into other people's eyes because they should also share your pain. well not really, but yeah you get what i mean. hahahahaha sorry i dont know.
oh yeah i wanted to update about my process with the LOA. idk it's just a little self-practice that i'm doing that i learned from The Secret. i decided to try this again cause i know it works. and i plan to update my progress daily (or not) here. some of my friends are sceptical when i tell them about this, even my mum. so like, i dont bother explaining the whole thing to them. just plz, read The Secret.
So around jan when i was really depressed, i tried using the loa and i tried to manifest good things to happen into my life. (this was before officially knowing i cant leave to further my studies) i visualized UTAS and anything related to it. i practised this almost everyday, i was trying my best not to let my hopes down. i wanted to believe the loa works, and i wanted it to work in a really short period. and when it DIDN'T happen, i was crushed, i was disappointed, i feel all kinds of depressions there ever is. i know it's stupid to feel like this just because of something so silly you might think, but this is kind of a big deal for me and i was really excited for it. So when the Loa didn't worked, i stopped trying and applying it completely.
It wasn't until the end of june when i realized; ONE of my wishes actually DID came true. UNEXPECTEDLY. i tried all kinds, i made a vision board, i made a life map, i wrote down my visualizations of utas, and wrote the characteristics i want in my significant other. yknow, like an experiment. like a "why not?" kind of situation. but after the huge let-down i realized all those were just hoo-hahs and i was too upset to continue manifesting.
so the deal with this "manifesting" and "writing down" things is to be as SPECIFIC as possible. like, say you want your significant other to be taller than you, a dog-person, etc. you gotta be real specific. and so i tried my best to be real specific but i totally missed out on something important. cause i wasn't really serious when i wrote it, i wasn't exactly thinking of manifesting a significant other at that very moment. so like, 5 months later, (recently) i met this really nice guy and he was into me just as i sort of was into him. maybe idk hahaha the feelings are mutual tho hehe. and then i realized, and then it hit me hard, and then it dawned to me, (and more similar phrases) THAT I ACCIDENTALLY ACTUALLY MANIFESTED THE PERSON I WANTED 5 MONTHS AGO.
i dug up the paper i wrote and he had MOST of the characteristics i wanted and hoped for, in fact, most of it was in. except for that one lil thing............. i forgot to mention the age.
so..... yea.........
*crickets*
kidding. i mean, no biggie. he's great. and this is actually one of the reasons why i finally realized how the loa may and somehow actually works. it may not have attracted my wishes to study in utas this year, (i only started manifesting like, 2 weeks before i found out i cant go) i mean i'm just saying. maybe some things needs time. and the universe definitely will not let you down if you believe it won't let you down.
and i also learned to be more grateful recently. i feel like i finally opened my eyes for reals or something. and i began seeing how some people actually walk with a huge black cloud on top of their head. aka their negativity and pessimism aura is so strong, you can totally feel it. and to actually think that i was once like that.....
i'm actually really happy right now. i'm really grateful that i'm not a bitter person anymore. i might whine and complain sometimes, but not so much anymore (i hope) Honestly, i;'ve never felt so great b4. i wish more people could see how lucky and blessed they really are, to simply be alive, to have a life, to have eyes and the 5 senses, the ability to walk and learn. these are blessings in disguise. i couldn't see them as a gift before this, but now i see everything differently, i can see the good in the bad. I'm not about to go around saying things like, God has given us enough, and yet we never realize it because we oversee them by wanting more.
But oops, i just did.
i hope nobody still reads this thing because i'm about to make this real deep and personal from now on (i wanted to start anew but then i realize i have to make a new email and all the annoying details shit so, no) and it's so stupid coz i was thinking how i was writing on my diary, and then i started updating on my iphone notes, and now i'm on blogger again. it's like i have this never-ending urge to write my problems and feelings everywhere. and i probably won't even continue updating after a few more weeks cuz that's just how i am *inserts girl with right hand out emoji*
anyway!!!!!! a little while ago i was on blogger trying to make a new blog but i was logged into my previous (deleted) blog. but all the information and all the people i followed were still there. so i scrolled right down to Pam's blog and her posts were STILL there from 5 YEARS AGO. (this was an hour ago, i spent one solid hour laughing at her posts) HAHAHAHA OMG I CANT BELIEVE HOW WE'VE GROWN UP!!!!!!!! i literally can't stop reading omggg. and Pam was SUCH AN ACTIVE BLOGGER like i dont even remember reading some of her posts before??? hahahahaha oh pam. and there was this one post of the three of us, corr pam and i, and WE ALL LOOKED SO DIFF especially corr. hahhahahahahahaha omg tonight has been such a gr8 nite spent all by myself reminiscing the past.
i hate my 13-14 y/o self. but im sure and i bet we all hate our 14 y/0 self? unless you're a perfectionist who's extremely cautious of things and the future so you act like you know you won't hate yourself when you're 18 and you make no mistakes that your 18 y/o self won't disapprove. did that make any sense? it sounded reasonable in my head. just saying tho. anyway where was i going with this.......
i have been spending 6 full months not studying.
1) my parents think i'm *not* really to leave yet
2) 70k just for foundation is making my parents doubt zoology is really what i wanna do
3) parents think i should spend a longer time in kk becoz i'm still their little girl
4) im always wrong
sorry but i didn't mean to trash talk about my parents i love them. it's just that... sighs. i hate the thought that i'm wasting my 1 year away by simply.. wasting it away. and i feel like I AM. i haven't found a job, amazing how i survived and managed to dodged every constant nag from my mum. not that i didnt try, I DID. it's either i'm a little bit too late, or i'm not at the right place. in conclusion, i havent started working or earning my own $ yet for these past 6 months.
and y'know what? it honestly doesn't even feel like 6 months. around mid-jan when my parents told me i'm not allowed to go 2 tassie this year, i cried my eyes out cause i was so sure i'd be leaving and cause i didnt want to waste one whole year here, rusting my brain gears. but i did, and i survived, i guess.. in between these few months, i've learned to be a better person, i was heartbrokened at one point, i was disappointed so many times, i felt like the whole world was against me. (cliche) and i really hated everyone because i felt like no one was trying to help me. ugh i guess you could say i was a bitter salty person back in jan.
but now i guess i can say i feel much better, i feel LOADS better actually. and that sometimes, when (another cliche) life gives you lemon, you just gotta squeeze them into other people's eyes because they should also share your pain. well not really, but yeah you get what i mean. hahahahaha sorry i dont know.
oh yeah i wanted to update about my process with the LOA. idk it's just a little self-practice that i'm doing that i learned from The Secret. i decided to try this again cause i know it works. and i plan to update my progress daily (or not) here. some of my friends are sceptical when i tell them about this, even my mum. so like, i dont bother explaining the whole thing to them. just plz, read The Secret.
So around jan when i was really depressed, i tried using the loa and i tried to manifest good things to happen into my life. (this was before officially knowing i cant leave to further my studies) i visualized UTAS and anything related to it. i practised this almost everyday, i was trying my best not to let my hopes down. i wanted to believe the loa works, and i wanted it to work in a really short period. and when it DIDN'T happen, i was crushed, i was disappointed, i feel all kinds of depressions there ever is. i know it's stupid to feel like this just because of something so silly you might think, but this is kind of a big deal for me and i was really excited for it. So when the Loa didn't worked, i stopped trying and applying it completely.
It wasn't until the end of june when i realized; ONE of my wishes actually DID came true. UNEXPECTEDLY. i tried all kinds, i made a vision board, i made a life map, i wrote down my visualizations of utas, and wrote the characteristics i want in my significant other. yknow, like an experiment. like a "why not?" kind of situation. but after the huge let-down i realized all those were just hoo-hahs and i was too upset to continue manifesting.
so the deal with this "manifesting" and "writing down" things is to be as SPECIFIC as possible. like, say you want your significant other to be taller than you, a dog-person, etc. you gotta be real specific. and so i tried my best to be real specific but i totally missed out on something important. cause i wasn't really serious when i wrote it, i wasn't exactly thinking of manifesting a significant other at that very moment. so like, 5 months later, (recently) i met this really nice guy and he was into me just as i sort of was into him. maybe idk hahaha the feelings are mutual tho hehe. and then i realized, and then it hit me hard, and then it dawned to me, (and more similar phrases) THAT I ACCIDENTALLY ACTUALLY MANIFESTED THE PERSON I WANTED 5 MONTHS AGO.
i dug up the paper i wrote and he had MOST of the characteristics i wanted and hoped for, in fact, most of it was in. except for that one lil thing............. i forgot to mention the age.
so..... yea.........
*crickets*
kidding. i mean, no biggie. he's great. and this is actually one of the reasons why i finally realized how the loa may and somehow actually works. it may not have attracted my wishes to study in utas this year, (i only started manifesting like, 2 weeks before i found out i cant go) i mean i'm just saying. maybe some things needs time. and the universe definitely will not let you down if you believe it won't let you down.
and i also learned to be more grateful recently. i feel like i finally opened my eyes for reals or something. and i began seeing how some people actually walk with a huge black cloud on top of their head. aka their negativity and pessimism aura is so strong, you can totally feel it. and to actually think that i was once like that.....
i'm actually really happy right now. i'm really grateful that i'm not a bitter person anymore. i might whine and complain sometimes, but not so much anymore (i hope) Honestly, i;'ve never felt so great b4. i wish more people could see how lucky and blessed they really are, to simply be alive, to have a life, to have eyes and the 5 senses, the ability to walk and learn. these are blessings in disguise. i couldn't see them as a gift before this, but now i see everything differently, i can see the good in the bad. I'm not about to go around saying things like, God has given us enough, and yet we never realize it because we oversee them by wanting more.
But oops, i just did.
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