..

howwww do youu even private this thinggggggggg

.

Idk man 😢 i feel like there's so many disappointments and downside to everything i'm doing lately. What exactly did i do to piss karma or anyone off????????

0131

I feel so much better after I went to the prayer meeting. Ahah i wasn't even that sure why i went. I guess i just wanted to feel better, and i knew i would after i went. And It made me feel like the emptiness and the void inside of me became much smaller. Yep. it's still there. somehow, somewhere. but it had tremendously healed. 

And i guess, yeah. I like being around people with so much faith and positivity. It made me realize how there are bigger things out there which are more important than my own. And i like seeing in this new perspective.

i asked gan about the thing that was stuck in my head and he said i should keep praying and stuff. I mean it's so unreal, really. I never thought this day would actually come where id finally ask someone for advice about it??? Idek how to feel about this. I'm so scared lol. Scared and lil sad. 

Sigh. Yeah. Im still learning, and i hope to be better, whether in terms of my attitude, personality, or the way i am. I am grateful for all that i have and i couldn't have asked for more. 

0215

Im not sure. Maybe it's because of my period or something. But i've been avoiding so many people lately (not that i even meet many since im home most of the time) but the ones that i get to see all the time, i just had to avoid. Because of countless unexplainable reasons.

And it might've been because i can't stand them. This particular person who did nothing wrong :/ but i was avoiding her coz i felt like it was... rather necessary :/ but idk maybe it's just pms, mood swings, ego...? Idk i just really really wish she'd stop being someone else just to "fit in". I hate people who are like that. When they act like someone else around people they want to impress. And recently that's literally ALL I'VE BEEN SEEING HER BECOMING. Someone else. So i felt the obligation to avoid this act.

This is just a normal heart felt post that i feel i should update. And yes, i will also from today onwards, not find anthony anymore. It was careless of me. Sigh.

0125

that awkward moment when someone younger than you is way, WAY more mature than you are.

this keeps me up at night. to think that someone younger than me is a better person than i was (when i was at that age, which was 2 years ago) and to feel something for someone who's younger than me, i did not see this coming??????

but for someone with such a big heart. i know this is weird. yeah no, he's not the you-make-my-knees-go-weak kinda guy. but he has the biggest heart which imo i equivalent to it. and in fact; even better!!!(??) i mean, what's good about a guy who makes your knees go weak but with a lousy good for nothing overly cocky attitude.

.. *suddenly realizes something*

sorry.

??

July 14,11:49pm

cant believe 6 months passed :o still cant believe. not gonna lieeeeee but im actually hoping time would pass slower plz. im scared of what's in store for me :/

anyway i feel like i've been getting a few signs about things. and i feel like these are the answers i've been looking for. like scattered puzzle pieces and i'm finding them piece by piece. and i feel like these the hidden messages are from God, and i need to uncover them?? am i.. no. but really tho. i dont know.

ugh i actually dont really know what to talk about. i wanna talk about some real private things but im kinda worried that ppl will find this blog ((ppl i know)) and so im not sure what 2 talk about.

ok fine.

so anthony is backkk. and it sort of bothers me, and embarrasses me that  i was so dumbbbb last year. and maybe a lil.. early this year. and that was all 5 months ago!! time flies by soooo fast. and now i just seriously wished i knew; earlier, then maybe i wont feel so dumb right now. i'm still leariung yesss and of course everything is an experience and a lesson for me. i know that. so yes, i'm glad i don't feel it anymore. i'm glad i don't feel pain, anxiety, butterflies, nervousness, etcetera. it's all over and behind me. it didnt really take me long to get over it (surprisingly) but honestly, i feel extremely, and mentally tired from ALL of this. from all of these kinds of things. having crushes and the fear to do this and that and all that shit. it can either be the best thing ever or the worst thing ever. but now that he's back, i'm glad i get to be myself around him and everything is ok because he understands and I, understand. and i will not be afraid  anymore, everything is in the past now. but maybe my friends would think otherwise.. because honestly??? i dont even know how to say this but they're not exactly really good at "pretending" as if it didn't happen. i mean i'm not EXPECTING them to talk about it, but pls. it's just so obvious and i can't help but feel unhappy about it. i'm not gonna get all bitter and stuff, i honestly thought they knew me better???????? sobs.

anywayyyyyyyyy. this week will be a productive week. and i see good news coming. thank you in advance.

still july 11 (10:20pm)

y'know what i think is great?? a group of people who normally don't hangout together, (or wants to, for that matter) gathers up to plan a birthday party for a mutual friend. as much as i feel extremely alienated cuz i'm not even schooling with them, i mean, i'm not even close to these people anymore, and let alone, hangout with them? :( but it's all for this special someone. and every once in a while we should, i should stop letting my inner self conscience tell me to stay home and don't get involved cuz you'll be the only outsider. i should just, yknow DO IT OMG NO COMPLAINS PLZ.

i'm not at introvert, at least.. i dont think i used to be. but now i feel like im slowly becoming one ;( hashtag: weak.

confessions of an introvert/wallflower